Sorry, But I Find Your Offence Offensive

Sun Herald

Sunday August 27, 2006

HUGH MACKAY

"How tolerant should I be of intolerance? I regard the telling of racist and sexist jokes as a form of bullying, and I tend to shun the company of people who tell such jokes because I am intolerant of the lack of tolerance they show - which probably makes me as bad as they are. Are they so insecure that they have to denigrate others to make themselves feel superior?"

H.G., Maroubra

WE'VE all been in H.G.'s situation. You're standing around at a party, or taking a coffee break at work, and someone tells a joke so offensive that you squirm with embarrassment or seethe with rage.

It might be a racist joke that goes way beyond a harmless dig at New Zealanders, or a male locker-room joke that somehow survived the 1970s, or a religious joke bound to offend anyone of the particular faith, or any faith, who happened to hear it.

The joke teller has deliberately overstepped the bounds of decency - that's the whole point of the joke - which means you're more or less obliged to react. (H.G. is right: the telling of such jokes is indeed a form of bullying.)

You look around the group. Some people are laughing (especially if it was their boss who told the joke); others offer a muted titter rather than unleashing a gale of glee that would make them appear complicit.

You're wondering whether you're a prude to feel the way you do (after all, it's only a joke) or whether by remaining silent you, too, are complicit in the act. Should you voice your objection? Walk away? Smile politely? Remain stony-faced and silent?

Our reactions will vary greatly according to the situation and the identity of the joke teller. But there are some general principles we can draw on.

For instance, we should never allow ourselves to be intimidated into going along with other people's prejudice, insensitivity or cruelty, even when it's dressed up as a joke. We should never act in a way that draws us into a nasty little conspiracy of humour based on the idea of offending others. At the same time, of course, we shouldn't be too ready to make judgements about other people's attitudes, values or motives - and that's the tough part.

In practice, if you are seriously offended (rather than pretending to be, out of respect for political correctness) there are really only three possibilities: remain silent and hope your silence conveys that you're not amused, walk away as a protest or come right out and say that you're uncomfortable about the joke.

If you opt to speak up, remember the rule in such situations: don't attack the speaker. Don't criticise what's been said; don't adopt a sanctimonious or self-righteous tone. Simply describe your own feelings: "I'm sorry, but I just don't find that kind of joke funny." Then brace yourself for a non-judgemental conversation that allows you to explain your strong feelings on the matter.

Tolerance is a wonderful thing, but it has its limits. It's dangerous to think of it as the cardinal virtue. Why should we tolerate behaviour that impinges on our comfort or security (and that might even include letting our children have their music up too loud)? Why should we tolerate other people intruding on our space, riding roughshod over our feelings or ignoring our convictions, any more than they should tolerate any of that from us?

People don't always know when they are offending us and we have every right to tell them - as long as we're prepared to listen when they tell us how they are feeling, too.

© 2006 Sun Herald

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